Sometimes, when I drink coffee, I get a little sharp, metallic tingle in my tailbone. It's sort of my lower back - it's sort of my tailbone - it's sort of where the sun don't shine & what I would call the bending point. Bendy.

So when I drink extra strong coffee, the tingle is more like I have a proddish stake shoved up my ass. It is both uncomfortable and enjoyable. That's how you know it's working. Soon, I shall be running around like a dendrite-ridden axon, and a beautiful and exemplary piece of ass. I love this feeling - that signal that all is right with this! hectic! little! world! I! live! in! Can! You! Feel! It!?!

Music in our schools? No! Coffee in our schools! Keeps the teacher not-so-virile and breasts lumpy. Keeps skinny people skinny and smokers believing it's the coffee they smell. Coffee - the Taste of the Miners' Generation. Got Coffee? Got Sandra Bernhard? Coffee - the natural birth control. Let's go get some coffee! Let's swim in lakes and rivers of coffee! LET'S MAKE A GODDAMN DRESS OUT OF COFFEE BEANS, THE ULTIMATE HOMAGE TO FASHIONISTA JUAN VALDEZ!

I wonder if they've been lacing coffee with cocaine. I wonder if I should go get another cup. I wonder why my abdomen is aching with the pain of a thousand horses driving and caressing my intestines with hideous abandon.

And on that note, sweetcheeks and vermin, I miss your cracked out face watching me throw up in the morning. Cheers, darlin'.